Something in me has died

Journal entry 08.30.21

Something in me has died. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s actually the recognition of a part of me that was lost. I was able to reconnect to it, and throughout these years, tend to it, and start a different relationship with it. And now I feel that the relationship has shifted and it is in a place of a new beginning. So that’s why I say that it is that it’s transformed. I actually feel that I did not have a relationship with my needs. I had no idea how to relate to them. I didn’t even know that I had any.

I have been listening to some videos recorded from the last four years, during which time I started really thoroughly tending to them and what I see and hear is a very angry woman, and she doesn’t understand why she keeps betraying herself. She doesn’t understand why she keeps meeting the same kind of people and arriving at a place of self-sabotage. I watched this video that I did in October 2017 with a mentor and I watched physically how I looked, and knowing how I look right now — it is so different. I see two very different people. I have done nothing to my body — I mean, I have not gotten any surgery or anything, but, for the first time (and it has been a process!), I have been able to take off the mask that I wore all my life because the thing that I feared the most was to be vulnerable. I just did not have it in me to just show that vulnerability, because I needed to always be in a state of protection. I just felt that the image that I wanted to give out there, and the one that I gave, and the one that I still do give sometimes, when I don’t spend time really allowing myself to mirror a different kind of perspective, is that I’m a very strong, very direct, very intense human being, and very much about me. Which is all true — I’m very intense, I’m very devoted to my own well-being. I am very interested and very curious, and at the same time very nourishing, but I have learned, in the last four years, using diverse techniques, how to actually reconnect to those needs, how to really give value to them, and then slowly, with the practice of observation, I’ve been able to understand the interconnectedness that exists among human beings and how important it is to go from codependency to interdependence.

I had to really study in depth about what the things were that I was doing that made me become addicted to relationships. And not just with people, but any kind of relationship that I had, whether it was with studying a subject matter or eating a specific kind of food or having a specific kind of practice, whether it was with my physical body exercise, or a new practice, or what I was eating or not eating… It was always about these extremes, because I was trying to find a definition that would suit whatever I was going through at the moment. Now, it has taken me time to become still and to be able to see the notes that are connecting, one to the other. And this is a very beautiful place where to be right now, because I am very interested in allowing myself to be of service. And how can I serve this way? Well, I’m very much aware of the service I can be for others, as I am very interested in relational values. So just by being aware of my Role Model Human Design type that I have for a profile (6/2), where I’m supposed to be role modeling to human beings, one thing that was amazing for me was to realize that as a role model, I don’t have to do anything. All I have to do is to be. And I don’t have to tell people what to do. I just have to allow them to want to connect to me. And when they create that commitment to themselves in relationship to who I am, then I can mirror, I can serve as a surface that has a reflective quality, so they can see themselves in that reflection instead of projecting an outcome full of expectations that will never be met. Because I don’t want to have any relationships with anything or anybody at this point where there is a codependency projection, or manipulation in relationship, because I do not operate in that way anymore.

I learned how to say ‘no’. I learned how to set up boundaries. I learned how to speak about them without being angry. I also learned there are times when I have to put my foot down and say, “Well, this is not going to happen,” or sometimes I’ll say, “I’m going to think about it,” and then have an inner conversation with myself and say, “You know what? Maybe I should try this new way. Maybe there is a new perspective that I can learn from.”

So I’m in this incredible moment right now. It is quite unique because I have the awareness of the person that is able to observe from the outside, but at the same time I have the awareness that I am still feeling this. And I have a profound willingness to celebrate that. Because I’ve seen where I come from, I’ve seen how angry I was, I’ve seen how desperate I was. I have seen, even physically, how much I’ve changed, and how much I’ve transformed myself, and there’s not a single day that passes these days that I just don’t feel so much grace for being alive; it’s like blessings for being able to be alive in this moment in history, in time, where I can actually be of service, and all I’ve got to do is be sovereign, to be myself.

Another thing that I saw myself doing, when I was looking at those recordings, was how much I wanted to save everybody, how much I was so desperate to tell people, “Hey, you know, drink this kool-aid. I drank it, and it’s going to happen, and if you do it exactly the same way, you’re going to see the light.” And I know, apart from being annoying to other people, it was so much energy that I was just giving, pouring out there, and there was no recipient ready to receive, because I was not even allowing that. It was this eagerness to kind of feed the people with a lot of information, that I personally can process a lot of information. I’m sometimes amazed at the amount of information that I can process and that I don’t become crazy. But not everybody has the same pace, not everybody has the same desire. Not everybody has the same commitment towards evolution. And that’s fine, too.

I’ve also noticed that my tone and my cadence is very different, even how I movemy body. Before it was very difficult for me to talk to somebody and look at them in the eyes, because I was afraid of them seeing the person that I was not. Now it’s all about openness, and if I feel in that moment that I can actually open up and connect, then I do so. And it’s fantastic. Every day is a new opportunity for me to create a new relationship to that which is alive for me in every moment. And I’m very curious, and I’m full of imagination, and I have an incredible sense of joy, to be able to find something or someone that is going to make my day, and I’m going to make theirs, just by being, no extra effort necessary. So that’s how I’m feeling today.

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