Abundance defines form:
10.10.21: Saturn as a gentle and supportive structure
I’m feeling very vulnerable, but vulnerable in a beautiful way because I’m noticing the openness of my heart and understanding something really profound about how I have learned to nurture the structure that holds me, and it’s a very open space right now for me. I feel that I know now that with care and daily practice and attention I could actually tend to my needs and care for them in ways where I can feel very accountable, responsible, and structured. I have built some structure and it’s not constraining — actually, the definition of ‘structure’, I don’t fear it anymore, because it’s movable, ever-expanding, not limiting, yet it’s allowing me to be able to stand on it when I need so I can expand, and it also allows me protection when I need to be holding space. So there is definition there.
Saturn just turned direct, and I can actually feel that it went very slightly a couple of degrees back to my 12th house, I know exactly what I came to pick up from there. Just having a structure is actually a beautiful thing if I don’t fight it, I just didn’t know it before, and because I didn’t know it, I didn’t know what it was for. I didn’t know how to make use of it. I don’t feel that I can abandon myself anymore…I mean, I could, if I don’t tend to what’s important in the moment for me, and it’s all this nurturing and all this listening to exactly what my body needs: and if it needs space to sleep, it’s about space to sleep and how I’m going to sleep; and if it’s about space to eat, it’s about that, and how I’m going to prepare the food; and it’s about what kind of information I want to allow in myself, what kind of nurturing I’m giving to myself, what kind of surrounding environment I’m going to choose. I have all the freedom, I don’t have to be afraid of being imposed upon because I can pick up the space and the circumstances and everything, and even if I don’t, I know it’s ok.
Now I understand the relationship with Uranus, and I don’t have to be so feisty, firing back and breaking things, I have to remember there’s a very tight relationship with how I’m going to value myself and take care of that.
I texted my sister yesterday and I said, “I’m ready to start slowly having a conversation,” and then, “Do you have a time that maybe will work for you so we can talk, so I can call you?” I’ve never done that before, I’ve never asked her if she had time, I never gave myself the time to talk to her, it was always abrupt, like picking up the phone and yelling at each other — I love that I did that, and why did I do that? I feel that I need to go slowly, use Saturn in slow-mo, or step-by-step rather than slow motion, just like the step-by-step that allows me to feel for the ground there that I can actually stand on, and if I don’t feel that it is solid, then I can always stop and take a breath, get some distance, take a breather.
I’ve been doing a lot of numbers, taxes, and I still have to finish doing budgets… and I still have a little bit of fear when I do them because sometimes I feel guilty that I haven’t really been able to take care of that part of my life before, but I’m starting to feel not guilty, just attentive to the point that maybe I didn’t know how to do that and so when I don’t know what do I do, I will just raise my hand and ask, right? I’m asking the universe and taking classes, I’m asking to learn something new so I can relate to it differently. And that’s what is so beautiful about putting all these practices together, it’s as though when I understand how epigenetics or neuroscience play a part of my process of evolution, it’s not just that I investigate new ways with curiosity, but also with a specific practice I can actually make a transformation based on that awareness, so that’s where I’m going next. The responsibility of being able to create a new space for myself to offer it as a kind of mentoring, it’s important as long as I still have that relationship towards myself, with the care and nurture quality that I have just gained from myself.
I feel the relationship between my South node in Capricorn in the 11th house ruled by Saturn in Pisces/1st house and individuation, as in the principle of initiating something, like with the Mars/Aries energy initiating on the ascendant, how they’re related, not with the impulse that is blind, but slow and steady, still going, not afraid of putting the fire on, but knowing that it can burn… Just making sure I put a container and some water, maybe, so I can boil some water, steam something, cook something, nurture something. It’s all taking shape, and I’m so curious and enthusiastic and have a child-like kind of joy. This is beautiful and also sort of like a love letter to my teachers and to my parents, to the ways that I have been given the space to find my own way without having felt that I’ve got to do this and that– I just found my own way. I’m feeling very, very grateful, humble, kind to myself, and also very curious. There’s a lot of abundance at this moment, and it’s partly in knowing the abundance is always available, I just have to tap into it. I can always go back to this self-care, this tending to it. There will always be an opportunity for it to provide a sense of stability, but the stability is knowing that it’s always growing, it’s always expanding, it’s always evolving, it’s always going back to the spirit and allowing the spirit to manifest through the material, and I can inspire others to do so, with no attachments. With no attachments, there’s no projection. This feels really good and soft, tender and vulnerable, not as though I need to protect this, but vulnerable like being open to so much potential. So it has to be tended to.
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